Mother’s Day has just gone by with lots of celebrations, dinners and gifts. It’s a day where everyone is reminded to give thanks and be grateful for our mother. It should be a truly happy and selfless time of year, yet, I can’t help feeling sad for many mothers out there. Why? Because they’re slowly disappearing, slowly becoming invisible and they don’t even know it!
I’ve spoken to all my mummy friends, aunts, and relatives to see how they were celebrating. The vast majority answered with something along the lines of….”we’re not doing much, it’s not a big deal”, “just going to have dinner out, it’s okay”, “my husband is busy, but that’s fine”, “not much, I’d rather spend the money on the kids”. Most of the answers were same same but different. So, why did I feel sad for the majority? Because that was what I said every year from when I became a mother.
When did it become the norm to be martyrs, self-sacrificing, disappearing, invisible mothers? I ask myself WHY? Why is it sooooo uncomfortable for us to allow others to treat us special on our ONE day of gratitude? Why does everyone say… IT’S OKAY, IT’S NO BIG DEAL? Instead of saying, hey, I’d love to be treated to an awesome breakfast, have a massage (from a pro of course), get a new brand-named set of PJ’s from Peter Alexanders AND a delicious dinner! Why can’t we? We should be able to say what we want, be comfortable for the effort and money spent on YOU and be GUILT-FREE at the same time.
Let’s back it up and see why…………….
Go Back In Time…….. (zip zip)
Let’s check out my maternal grandma. She lived in Vietnam, but we visited her a few times and my mum always told me what a great woman she was. She had 9 kids and a husband to take care of. She had the biggest heart, loved all her kids and grandkids so much. I felt her love all the way across the seas! Truly, she was a selfless woman, who lived for all her kids and grandkids. No matter what anyone needed, she would go above and beyond to fulfil it. If she heard a whiff of want from the wind, she would drop everything and get it for her family members. Not once, did I hear her asking or receiving anything from anyone because she loves to GIVE. That’s how I remembered her. My loving grandma.
Now, let’s take a look at my mumma. She lives and breathes service to others. Her children are her #lifegoals, her husband is her king. She’s the biggest mummy martyr I know! She takes clothing and feeding my family VERY VERY seriously. Like we would be on the brink of starvation if we skipped a meal. She would sew or alter any type of clothing that we needed. She would always say, “I never want to buy for myself, only for you kids”. “I don’t want to waste money on myself”. From our birth to adulthood, my mother would smother us with everything she could. In fact, we were scared to ask for things, knowing she would work double time to get it/make it/buy it for us. Hmm, I wonder where she got her need to give and lack of receiving from?
Fast forward in time. When I had kids, I did what I could for them, believing thats how they will know how much I love them. Giving them the best life I could imagine. Although, I learnt from my mother, what not to do, is to take away their chance to learn independence and skills. I did not do absolutely everything for them, but I spent a lot of time trying to teach them to do tasks I believe they are capable of. In saying that, my whole #Momlife still revolved around them. That being said, most mums, sometimes dads, take time off from work, or work part-time, so money becomes more tight. With less money and more mouths to feed, we start to sacrifice little bits of ourselves for them. Always giving, finding it hard to give to ourselves and receive back.
Do you see a pattern here? Monkey see, monkey do. Okay… here’s the part thats scary:
Guess who your kids are going to copy? They will definitely copy us. Just as we’ve copied our mums. You might think it’s okay if you do all this for your family, because you’ll be a wonderful amazing mum who sacrifices all. But do you really want your kids to do what you do… and become invisible? I don’t. I don’t want my girls to be slaves to their husbands and kids. I want them to grow up, respecting themselves, be respected, independent, able to take good care of themselves inside out AND be happy. I don’t know about you, but I want to become the role model I want them to be. If you have sons, would you like them to treat other women like they’re invisible or unimportant? And what of their kids? No. I’m going to break the pattern.
This is how we become Invisible:
We start to give more of ourselves day after day. We continue to say yes to them, even after we have passed our breaking point. We strive to do more, feeling like it’s never enough. We try to over-achieve so we can feel valued, important and loved so we can say I DID THIS FOR YOU! I sacrifice myself because I’m a great person and I do so much for everyone which is why I’m like REALLY REALLY awesome! We say no to help that’s being offered because what value would we have if others do things for us? We say no to others spending money on us or buying nice gifts. No, no, I’d rather spend on the kids I say.
At first, your family, your partner and kids will politely offer to do something nice for you. Then, they will offer less and less the more you decline. You have conditioned them not to care about you, not to offer you kindness, not to show you gratitude, not to make efforts for you, to only think of themselves and what they want. It’s okay you say…. until it’s not.
You’re now invisible. You’ve given 100% of yourself to others, and left yourself with 0%. You do the math. Then sometimes when you get to the low points and feel totally drained, things start to bottle up, you get annoyed, then angry and your blood boils! Why doesn’t anyone help out? Why doesn’t anyone care about me? Why isn’t anyone thankful for me? Why doesn’t anyone appreciate and respect me? If it weren’t for me, this household would fall apart!
The result —–> My mother. Lot’s of sadness and low self-worth. Lost her passion for actual real #lifegoals. And don’t say your children are your goals, please. Once they grow up, you’ll feel unsatisfied with yourself, your life and will feel quite empty. No one, especially your kids will want this for you. Even worse, you wouldn’t want this to happen to them.
Become less Invisible with Self-Love
Self-Love is like a cup. If your cup is empty of love, you will forever be asking others to fill it for you. This will draining for all your loved ones because it will never be enough. “Why doesn’t he/she care about me?”. You will start to blame others for their lack of effort to show you love and affection, blame them for not giving you enough of their time, not treating you right etc. Your children each has a cup, if they learned from you, their cup will also be empty and demand you to fill it up for them. But since your cup is dry, you’ll still try to give them love, but, it will be empty love. “I did this for you! So you will have a good life!”, “I did this for you so you can sleep better and not wake me up”, “I bought this for you, so you would stop bothering me with your tears and crying”.
Now, if you began to fill your cup up yourself everyday, you would forevermore have love on tap, ready to be used anytime. You easily give love with sustenance, the full cream kind : ) You can give freely, and not feel drained. Though you will want your kids to fill their own, by learning from your example.
Self-love means doing things that’s good for you! Plan to do things that will make you happier and healthier. No I’m not talking about retail therapy or short term indulgence to fill an empty void. Eat better, stress less, sleep more, be more active and follow your passion. Self-Love is not the same as being Selfish. It means to be considerate towards yourself as you are for others. If someone wants to do you a good deed, let them, and say thanks! Allow your partner and kids to do things for you, spend on you, indulge you, because who else deserves it more than you? Teach your kids to be polite, give thanks and be grateful to you and others. Show them you respect yourself, that you care about yourself, that you’re thankful for your life and what you do. Only then will they see a great example to follow. Expect the same respect in return and nothing less! Show them how to be a strong, independent, self-loving person by allowing yourself to care about you. Don’t be a martyr, creating little mini martyrs too.
Oils for your Diffuser
Coriander– The Oil of Loyalty to yourself. This oil helps those trapped in a cycle of serving others while neglecting their own needs. Often the mind’s “right” way of doing things is too limited and can only be seen from one perspective. So coriander can remind you that theres often more than one way to do something and that fitting in often requires you to betray your True Self.
Bergamot– The Oil of Self-Acceptance. This oil helps you truly be okay with being you. To stop self-abuse or self sabotage negative thinking. It’s uplifting and will help you see your worth. It relieves feelings of despair, self-judgement and low self-esteem. It has a cleansing affect on limiting beliefs such as feeling “bad”, “unlovable” and “not good enough”, while you sometimes hide behind a facade of cheerfulness. This can help you let go of self-judgement by learning to love yourself unconditionally.
Grapefruit- The Oil of Honouring your Body. This oil helps you accept and love your body so that you may be encouraged to nourish yourself and take care of yourself. Drinking grapefruit helps reduce abuse to your body, reducing cravings for unhealthy things. It also helps you see your worth.
Smart & Sassy (Slim & Sassy) Metabolic Blend- This is the Oil of Inner Beauty. Reminding you the importance of your beauty within. Accepting yourself for who you are and how much you’re worth. This oil helps address feelings of self-criticism, worthlessness, feeling ugly, disgust or hate for the physical self.
Ylang Ylang- The Oil of the Inner Child. Its a powerful remedy for the heart and for releasing emotional trauma from the past. It encourages play and restores childlike nature and innocence. This oil helps addresses feelings of joylessness, overstressed, cried, sadness and disconnected from the inner-child.
Elevation- The Oil of Joy. This oil is a powerful mood stabiliser and VERY uplifting. It can inspire feelings of cheerfulness, brightness, courage, relaxation, happiness, humour, playfulness and fun! It addresses feelings of depression, darkness, seriousness and being stern.
Basil- The Oil of Renewal. Can help improve adrenal exhaustion coming from feelings such as overwhelm, fatigue, drained, exhausted, addicted, nervousness, anxiety, depression, low energy and the inability to cope with life’s stressors. Basil helps support those who are under a great deal of mental strain. This is a great oil to help mums when feeling burnout and are in need of strength.
Let’s break the “norm” for being self-sacrificing mums, be less invisible, more valued, self-respected, happier, kickass, self-loving mums! 😍😘💞 Be sure to set your dial to “receive” and tone down the “give” just a bit!
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